Where I am now
There’s a smile on my face
There’s a genuine smile that isn’t the product of my brain telling my lips to conform in order to impress someone
A smile that is connected to my own joy and not the temporal happiness I happened to feed off of during my chill time when watching strangers get elated on the web or viewing the finished product of a carefully constructed skit
That happiness, oh that happiness. I remember the aftermath was a deflated smile and tragic recognition that the escape wasn’t permanent
The realization that that wasn’t my life … and when watch or scroll time was over, it was back to my misery
But now, I smile
I look through the window and the only dark thoughts are solely recollections of the many days and nights I strategized on how to end things
No longer my reality – now a memory
Forgive me, not just a “memory”, it’s so much more than that – a “testimony”
No longer does every perfect view from a height whisper to me – “jump!”
No longer is my most earnest and fervent prayer for the Lord to do to me what He did for Enoch
No longer does “Good Morning!” have me mourning the life sentence that I felt condemned to
Not anymore, I’m free
I thank God He kept me when I begged Him not to
In this moment, I am just as grateful for the noes as I am the yeses
Many times, the yeses elevate us but we forget that the noes protect us… usually from what we can’t see
Praise God for where I am now.
P.S: Not trying to ruin the depth of this all but… typing “noes” and “yeses” didn’t quite sit right with my spirit. Then again, I think it’s safe to say Oxford dictionary probably knows English better than I do.
The above excerpt seems to be the best way for me to get back into this thing. “Thing” meaning “writing”… well not so much writing but “sharing “. There’s so much I want to talk about in this blog…yet kinda don’t. Does that make sense? or am I just crazy?? But bigger than that, it’s not just a desire to talk about it, I believe part of it is a calling and for wayyyy too long, I’ve been tryna outrun the prodigal son. I’ve come up with a bunch of excuses to shy away from getting back to this anddddd let’s be clear! many of them were valid – like the state of mind I grappled with for yearsssss. Can I be honest? …. (I’ll pause for a second and pretend I need your permission lmao). One of the reasons was that I didn’t fully believe I was healed….I certainly hoped I was, but I had mistaken some of life’s commas for periods before. Sit with that last line for a second… you’ll get it. Don’t worry, I know you’re curious – I’ll be getting more into it. Yep, Imma let you ALL up in ma business! (ish). But I think it’s really important that you know why. I’ll sum it up in one verse ;
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Cor 1:4
That’s right. I know that there is a reason God allowed me to walk through some of these things for so long AND come out on the other side. It wasn’t a waste. He has taught me so much (still is) and I believe that if I knew some of the things earlier… If I had some of the revelations that I have now – my healing might have come earlier. That being said, I don’t have a short cut to offer … it’s still a daily walk but the thing is, I’m no longer kneeling at the mercy of what had me bound. I have my armour now and moreso, I’m kitted with weapons to fight when I need to.
Don’t worry y’all- even though I make no apologies for talking about serious stuff – it ain’t all gonna be booty-clenching conversations 😅… (In case you don’t know what that means…. Ummmmm, nvm.. I don’t know what to tell you). However, I really think those are the ones you should look forward to because it’ll afford us an opportunity to grow. That being said – if it’s all just for one person and that’s the only person that ever sees this … that’s more than enough and it’ll have served its purpose.
And so it begins! Really hoping and praying I’m consistent and disciplined this time….. Pray for me y’all.
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Tee-latable 