Casualties

For someone who constantly struggled with the feeling of isolation and loneliness, I morphed into a samurai at cutting ties
I was so bent out of shape emotionally that I became a master of severing relationships without even knowing it
I starved my long-distance relationships of the bare minimum, the essential nutrients any relationship needs to survive – communication, intentionality, and transparency
Now I’m better, but it doesn’t erase the aftermath of my actions
I see the relationships that dwindled
I see the friends that tried and tried to reach out until it became clear to them that a one-sided reach cannot keep a relationship going
I used to try… I did for a while
But at some point, as my state of mind got worse, I had very limited energy to give
The little I had, I used for the people that were near and would reach out to me, or at the very least, couldn’t escape me
Being in the same perimeter constantly made it hard for me to disappear even though I lived most days feeling like a ghost… a shadow of what once was
Soooo to my friends and loved ones across hundreds and thousands of miles away, my intentionality poofed into thin air

It was hard enough pretending in the crowd I was in
I did not want to spend my days complaining, weeping and falling apart in front of an audience, and since that was all I seemed to be able to do ..  I kept my “circle” small
I had enough acting to do with the people near me 
Not even by choice really, I couldn’t escape some … and that turned out to be a blessing
Even though I lived wearing a mask most times when we would communicate – plastering a timed smile on my face, it was worth it because in my head, it offered them peace
They don’t need to be worrying about the hole I was in… they had a million other things to worry about
“How many people’s burden do I need to become?” So I retracted
Anyways, this post really isn’t about back then, this is about now
I am riddled with guilt when I have the sudden urge to reach out to someone who was a casualty of my flawed mental state
“Where do I start from? ” “How do I explain it?”
“Would they even listen to me?” ” And even if they did, would it mean anything?“
Because truth is, even though I really couldn’t do any better at the time, it doesn’t erase the fact that it was selfish
What about when they needed a friend? 
Just because I didn’t know how to lean on one didn’t mean I shouldn’t be one – you know..be there to offer a shoulder at the very least
But how could I do that if I wasn’t there?
I didn’t forget them, I prayed for them and I thought about them… but I couldn’t talk to them

Playing dress up is exhausting
And honestly, skip the metaphor for just a second – I really do hate shopping and having to change into multiple clothes On , Off, On again, Off again 
All that zipping and buttoning gets me worked up
However, if I showed up naked the conversation would probably go something like this
“Omg Tee! So how’ve you been?!”
“Drowning, depressed and hoping and praying to die”
Kmt, not sure about you, but prior to having walked through it, that would probably leave me speechless
Like…where exactly do we go from there? And what kind of harbinger of doom would I be anyways? Is it not enough that I was in the trenches? Do I really need to bring everyone else down with me?

That was my thought process back then
But here I am now … looking at the names of people I still deeply care about , scared and embarrassed to initiate a conversation
I don’t want to be that annoying person that disappears for a decade and was such a shitty friend yet pretends like nothing ever happened
But if I don’t just skip over it, how on earth do I explain it?
I honestly don’t think you’d ever get it if you didn’t live though it. You can try, but I’m not so sure that’s enough 
Oh well, so many “dead”, “paralyzed”, “ incapacitated” and “disabled” shadows of relationships around me
And I’m not the best at CPR… Understatement, I’ve got zero training in that department
I know not all relationships are meant for a lifetime but I don’t think that’s how they were meant to end

Whew, Lord, help me swallow my pride, erase my shame and teach me how to rebuild those relationships that need to be rebuilt.
If they don’t need to be, teach me to clear the land. In Jesus Name, Amen.

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