A Worthy Commendation

I’ll be honest with you, As I write this, I’m keenly aware of the fact that this particular post may be a lot more healing for me than for any of you. Or maybe just the same. Okay, fine… maybe a little less considering I have no idea where you’re at and what exactly you’re dealing with. The point is, I need this one. I need it in real time. Writing this post feels like a medium to receive and pour at the same time. Unlike some of my other posts, I’m sure a lot of what I write here will be revealed as I write. You’re getting this one raw. I believe it’ll be cathartic for me as I converse with the Holy Spirit and put my metaphorical pen to paper in the same stretch. I pray and hope that if you find yourself anywhere near where I’m at, you’ll find it cathartic for you as well.

Before we get right into it, let me give you a bit of context. Having overcome the battle with depression, identity crisis, low self-worth, suicide ideation and possibly any common mental crisis you can think of after years … YEARSSSS of fighting and eventually, quite frankly, giving up, I’m no stranger to the signs when a mental storm is trying to hit. Now, the Lord truly did deliver me and heal me but one thing I have learnt is that sanity is not one of those things you can retain without maintenance of some sort. Eg, you must continue to think on truth, continue to refocus, continue to feed your spirit, etc. As the Lord was breaking all these strongholds off of me, He did it with the Word, His presence and truth, exposing every lie and strategy of the devil I had fallen prey to. My ignorance of the devil’s wiles was a license for the enemy to keep me bound. Actually, let’s not give the devil credit he does not deserve, my ignorance was a license for me to keep myself bound without realizing the keys to the cuffs I was in were at my disposal.

The point I’m trying to get to is this – over the past few days, I’ve heard lies loudly in my head that tried to link my validation to what I can produce. One of the primary things God has revealed to me as a genesis for depression and existential crisis that often comes about when we cannot see our worth is the lie that our works are what makes us valuable. An age old trick of the devil from time(more on this in another post). Even though I am now avidly putting in effort and making little strides to do what God has instructed me to do, I found that after a while of pushing and eventually seeing the Lord begin to increase and bless it visibly by means of people’s testimonies, the days where the numbers and responses didn’t measure up had me questioning if I did something wrong. Somehow my perspective on God’s blessings became a bit skewed.

It’s funny because God has made so many things clear to me. He has without a doubt revealed a lot to me which I have shared and continue to share. Yet the battles looming in my face would have you think otherwise. I know the truth yet it doesn’t stop the lies from being flung at me. I boldly remind people that success is simply obedience as we do not always know the end result of a thing. I remind people not to build their identity on anything other than what the creator says. Does that make me immune to the tactic of the enemy to tie my success to stats? Or to get me to credit my identity to my work? Clearly, not. The difference however is that I am equipped with the truth and MUST CHOOSE to use it.

Lately, some of the things I’ve felt led to share lately have seemed a bit much. I’m like “Ouu God, Am I sure that’s you? “, “The people won’t like that…” but then again, He asks me “Who are you doing this for?” “Whose pleasure is primary to you?” “What is the why behind this assignment?” “Remind me, who commissioned you?”. I immediately sober up and am reminded that my role is to obey God, serve Him and His will and though it may not please men in the moment, it ultimately is in their service because to Love God is to Love people. And so, with tough assignments come resistance. Welll, when God has been drawing a lot of people to affirm what He’s given you to do and who He’s called you to be, you are prone to having the source of our sense of worth drift in .0001 degrees shifts from our creator to the created. From the blesser to the blessings. So here I am, wondering why I feel off…. and then it hit me. I don’t feel affirmed right now. And let me say this – I have amazing friends and people that keep affirming me and what I do but there is a void for the approval that only my father can give me. Turns out I let those lies from the enemy stew in my mind just a little longer than I should’ve. I need the truth again to plug that void. Not just it, HIM.

This brings us to the key verse for today;

“When people commend themselves, it doesn’t count for much. The important thing is for the Lord to commend them.” – 2 Cor 10: 18

I have been meditating on this verse for well over a week now. It started seemingly unintentionally – I believe that was Holy Spirit bringing it to the forefront of my mind. And then, I found myself intentionally meditating on it, reminding myself of this truth before going about any assignment. It’s me reminding myself not to fill the God-sized hole for validation with counterfeits. When I have that down, whether or not I get the most pleasant response, my father’s “well done” is more than enough to keep me joyfully faithful.

Where I’m at is certainly another test for me. When I initially got the deep revelation on misplaced identity a few years ago and how I felt my misuse of social media played a part in why I felt so lost, it was different. It was different because I was able to simply step back, deactivate my account and heal. I healed, wholly with the help of the Holy Spirit, then came back and was able to see things differently. The perspective shift changed everything because my validation had no roots in any human or platform anymore. It enabled me to not only prevent myself from abusing the apps but also ensure that my use of them was not somehow abusing me. Now, I’m back and healed and the one thing that was a thorn is now a tool God wants me to use. So when negative thoughts tried to get at me, I could not run away and choose to deactivate like I had in the past. No, I had to show up differently and allow the lessons I learnt in surgery teach me how to use a thing without letting it imprint on me. I had to apply what I’ve learnt.

Now, I used social media as an example. Truth be told, that was not all it was for me this week. The major idea is that when we lose focus even for a moment, our source of validation can begin to shift. And when that void becomes impossible to ignore, depression would often set in.

Here’s what I believe the Holy Spirit said to me … literally in the course of writing this.
1. Don’t sit under that cloud. When you sense something is off, address it – come to me(Holy Spirit) and let’s address it.
2. He also said to me “Stop taking punches and defend yourself”. To which I was like !!!!!
When we allow ourselves to remain defeated and stay under that dark cloud, best believe the enemy will take advantage of that. Okay, he punched you once, fine, why stay open? The first punch should be enough to signal you need to put up a guard. Literally. Humour me for a moment and imagine if you went to a professional boxing game and you saw boxer A swipe the same jab at boxer B repeatedly over and over again and never miss because B never thought to block it…arms down the whole time. [Using “A” and “B” cause I literally know nothing about boxing including names of boxers except the obvious lol]. It looks silly. Defend yourself with the truth. And stay prepped for offence with your armor.
3. Lastly, He reminded me of the verse that says “Resist the devil and he will flee“. Look at me sitting here allowing him play mind games in my mind when it could be just as simple as resisting him. Haha, Devil you messed with the wrong one. With the Holy Spirit in my ear, best believe he stays defeated.

So I’m saying the same thing to you. Remember where the most worthy commendation comes from and :
1. Don’t sit under that dark cloud
2. Stop taking punches that you don’t have to. Defend yourself.
3. Resist that liar and send him running.
You have that power by way of the Holy Spirit. Use it.

One more thing from God to me to you;
“Quit thinking about what everyone else said or will say first. Think first about what I say. Mine alone is the most worthy commendation.”

I imagine there’s at least one person reading this who’s been waiting for me to pull out this scripture so I will. Gal 1:9 says “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”. Remember that the next time you feel the itch to people-please for validation. Do not make the tool God gives you any more than that. That mistake is a gateway to idolatry.

Alright y’all. This was a longggg post so if you stuck around to the end, I really hope you found it valuable.
Love you and remember to “Stay alert, your adversary the devil walketh about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

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