Two G’s : Grief & Gratitude

First, To God: 

Oh Lord, what have you done to me?
I remember your promise about my tears but my gosh, this miracle could not fit into the box of my mind. 
I am in AWE of what you’ve done.  To me AND to my tears. 
I remember, I was once at a place where this kind of genuine joy and gratitude in the middle of what appeared to be chaos was….unfathomable. 
The war zone that was my mind made it difficult to envision. 
But alas.
I would say you outdid yourself, but we both know that’s not even possible. 

Look at me now, unable to shed tears that do not somehow find their way to rise as incense in worship.
Every time the darkness tries to eclipse your light in me, it is left confused. Surely, the light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not understand it. John was right.
I see how my tears have surrendered as I witness them bow to you time and time again. They recognize who you are and no circumstance can overshadow that revelation. 
No circumstance will – So help me God. 

This year was undeniably one of the toughest but still, I see your hand all through. 
Through every breakdown, I remember your voice whispering life and peace in my ear. 
I remember your hand soothing my back and I remember your strength bracing my knees. 
It was you who kept me. 
You always have. 
But this year, I experienced a different dimension of your person. 
I truly saw that there is no shadow you won’t light up – not even death.

Thank you for showing up for me every time. 
This year, I am even more grateful that you have enabled me SEE you showing up for me. Thank you for not letting grief – as painful and as heart-wrenching as it was.. and still IS – blind me. 
I am grateful.

To my readers: 

Grief and Gratitude – I’m awestruck at how God has caused these two to marry in my life. 
I’ve suffered major loss and pain this year yet God has made it such that I’m unable to grieve without the transition to gratitude. 
Gratitude always shows up ready to close out in worship every time a wave of grief hits. 
This is undoubtedly not something of my own doing. God in His kindness has ensured that grief did not blind me from His goodness and faithfulness. 

I must admit, I still do not fully understand why God didn’t come through the way I wanted. But I trust Him. And I trust that He came through the way that I needed Him to. 
He did not leave me without a testimony. 
Although it was not the one I wanted, I suppose He gave me the one I needed – the testimony of how He kept me and birthed beauty from ashes.
Perhaps it wasn’t even just for me. Somebody else needed to overcome by the blood of the lamb AND the words of MY testimony. 

My heroine, my sweet mummy went home to be with the Lord this year and it absolutely broke my heart. But even then, as I felt myself shuddering, I knew God had built me to bear the weight of this moment. 
Two years ago, had this happened, I would have gone right out with her. I certainly was not equipped to bear the grief that came with this transition at that time.
It still has me crying like a baby consistently… but not the tears one would think.
I’m just so amazed at how much love God has chosen to shower me with. There is absolutely nothing I could have done to earn this. 
I look at the beautiful framed picture of my mum hanging over my desk and it’s one of the many proofs of God’s love for me.

To God:

How can I be upset at you? You’re still loving me through this. 
The grief was just in proportion to the gift you gave.
Thank you for letting her serve her season. Thank you for gifting me with such an immeasurable gift for 25 years.
I am truly in awe of how much you love me. How much you love us.
I am grateful.

Thank you for holding me and not allowing grief to blind my view of your glory. 
No, instead you painted an even more vivid beautiful picture through grief…one that is all-encompassing of this life, and the next.
Yes, our promises and inheritance are not limited to this earth.
Goodness and mercy follow us always. The life here, and that afterwards. 

Thank you ABBA for keeping your goodness in sight. 
Every time I talk to daddy and I see him smile & laugh, I send a thank you note in my heart.
When I hear him reminisce with strength and encourage others, I see your peace and comfort girding him.
You never left us.

Thank you for the confidence that it is only better that lies ahead.
Thank you for putting eternity in view always… It’s never been clearer.
Truly, once we have suffered for a while, you will confirm, restore and strengthen us. 
Truly, the sufferings of this present time are not to be compared with the glory to be revealed in us.
Truly, in light of our eternal promise, all these are light afflictions.
I’m still here but the witness inside of me testifies of there. 

I may not understand the why behind all of it but one thing I know – you are good. 
You care and you’ve proven it since my conception. 

Thank you for the womb you allowed me to be conceived in – mummy.
Thank you for the first man that cradled me in his arms – daddy. 
Thank you for parents who love and serve oh so sacrificially. It never ceases to blow my mind.
Thank you for siblings who cater to me and compete to serve best.
Such love is a gift.

I see you God.
I see you every time my dad smiles, every time he sacrifices and puts others first and every time he serves – a practice his life is marked by. 
I see you in every breath we take.
I see you in the thankfulness we express to you in the middle of what seems like chaos. 

I am honored that you saw me fit to be trusted with such suffering, and I am grateful you kept me anchored in you through it all.
Now don’t do it again Lord… I think I passed the test lol … jk( kinda sorta)

I miss mummy deeply, how could I not? But I am sooo grateful to you God. 
I’m grateful for the secure eternity she has and I’m grateful that you trusted me with such an angel. 
I am grateful that walking with you guarantees a reunion with her. 
I am glad that she souled her life out to you and modelled with dad how to radically live and love Jesus.
Not a bunch of rules – true relationship.
Hmmm, You let me grieve but even in that, the eclipse of Miss gratitude always comes after and I welcome her always.

I so love you God. And this year has shown me that , so help me God – no matter what I may lose here, you are all I need. I have every single thing in you.
You’ve shown me that you’ve truly got me. 
I guess my declaration of coming to the end of myself was truly tested this year.
Indeed I am only here for you. By extension, your kingdom and your people. 
Till you decide to take me home, help me to serve you with every breath I’ve got.
You placed the examples of my parents to walk this thing out. Thank you for showing me the possibility, beauty and freedom in walking with you. 
To live is Christ and to die is gain. 
Imma love you either way. 

What else can I say? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 
From depressed and suicidal to joyful in grief. My sound mind is proof of your restoration. 
It’s interesting how for someone who could never cry on cue, I literally have tears on standby now. 
Maybe I can finally give the acting thing a shot lol.

My gratitude attests to the validity of my grief. I am grateful I once had what I lost. 

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